Celeb Birthdays: February 17

If your birthday is today, chances are that you are a total skank. This is a valid assumption based on empirical evidence, for today witnessed the birth of such hallowed hosebeasts as She Who Shall Not Be Named, For Publicity Feeds Her Horrible Power; and She Whose Name Is Denise Richards, Who Is Now Dead to Me, Because Nobody Screws Over Heather Locklear and Gets Away With It. (Look, just because somebody is dead to me doesn't mean I'm not going to post a perfectly good image of them that I went to the trouble of Photoshopping. Jeeze.) Oh yeah, and also Janice Dickinson. I rest my case.

The aforementioned SWSNBN,FPFHHP has blighted this earth for a solid 26 years now. Notice how America has totally gone downhill in that time? Think about it. Read about SWSNBN,FPFHHP's appalling attempt to blame her skanky behavior on astrology

Actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is cute and should get more work, is 26. See Joseph Gordon-Levitt's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actor Jason Ritter, son of the revered John, is 27.

Former fat kid Jerry O'Connell is 33. You know, I don't think he's ever going to make an honest woman of Rebecca Romijn? See Jerry O'Connell's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Pop punks Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day and Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters share a 35th birthday today. See Billie Joe Armstrong's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time) ~ See Taylor Hawkins' birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Figure skater Philippe Candeloro is 35. See Philippe Candeloro's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Denise Richards, who is dead to me, is 36. Read about why Denise Richards is dead to me

Nightmare on Elm Street IV star Tuesday Knight is 38.

R&B singer Chanté Moore hits 40 today. See Chanté Moore's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Michael Jordan is 44 and quite possibly skanky -- we'll see what emerges during the divorce proceedings. See Michael Jordan's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Lou Diamond Phillips is 45. See Lou Diamond Phillips' birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Joe Simpson, Svengali dad to Jessica and Ashlee, is 49.

Singer-songwriter Loreena McKennitt is 50. See Loreena McKennitt's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Actress Rene Russo is 53. See Rene Russo's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Reality skank Janice Dickinson is 54. See Janice Dickinson's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Former Miss America and actress Mary Ann Mobley is 68. See Mary Ann Mobley's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Christina Pickles, a.k.a. Ross and Monica's mom, is 72.

Barry Humphries, a.k.a. Dame Edna, is 73. See Barry Humphries' birth chart (Astrotheme)

Actor Hal Holbrook is 82. See Hal Holbrook's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or—especially appreciated!—exact birth times.

Find more web pages about: She Who Shall Not Be Named, For Publicity Feeds Her Horrible Power ~ Denise Richards ~ Celeb Birthdays ~ Celebrity Birthdays ~ Birthdays ~ Astrology ~ Celebs ~ Celebrity ~ Celebrities

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Denise Richards Is Dead to Me

Few developments in the world of celebrity gossip actually shock and offend me, but this is truly sickening. I feel so betrayed. Denise Richards, who just months ago was making me feel all warm and fuzzy at the prospect of a rebound romance with John Stamos, has gone and screwed over her BFF, the woman who supported her through her divorce with Charlie Sheen, the one and only three-time Aaron Spelling muse, the indefatigable vixen, Ms. Heather Locklear. Yes, to my disgust and horror, Denise is doing the nasty with Heather's all-too-recent ex, Richie Sambora. [Source]

Why would she choose to rebound from her lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband with her best friend's lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband?! And more to the point, why would you do that to Heather? You do NOT screw with Heather Locklear, people. Little Miss Wild Thing has nothing on Amanda Woodward, okay? Denise, I was rooting for you in your Plucky Single Mom mode, and now my sympathy has vanished as completely as that piece of UPN crap you starred in. Whatever it was, it was no Melrose, let me tell you. It wasn't even a T.J. Hooker!

Well, I for one am happy to report that this unholy coupling WILL NOT LAST. Denise is an Aquarius, and possibly the only mismatch for Aquarius as wrong as Virgo (Charlie Sheen's Sun sign) is Cancer, Richie's Sun sign. With a Leo Ascendant, Richie may come off as right for Denise, but you know what? He's not. Cancer and Aquarius are on a completely different wavelength, with intuitive Cancers feeling their way through life based on gut instinct while cerebral Aquarians treat people like science projects. And to make matters worse, Richie's got a Virgo Moon! See Richie Sambora's birth chart (Astrotheme) Does this woman love misery or something? Or, perhaps more likely with that Moon-Venus combo in Aries, does she simply think ONLY of herself when rushing into relationships she has no intention of sticking with? See Denise Richards' birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

I can't stress this enough, people: BAD KARMA COMES TO THOSE WHO WOULD HURT HEATHER LOCKLEAR. I wish "Richie Rich," as PerezHilton.com has dubbed the couple [Source], as much misery as they caused their exes, or in Denise's case, as much misery as Charlie caused her. Well, let's just make it both. Sadly, while I would like to wish Heather an equivalent amount of happiness in her new relationship, I simply cannot condone her squandering herself on David Spade, which is just wrong for so many reasons. La Locklear could do so much better it's not even funny. Heeeyyy, how about Heather and John Stamos? I'm feeling them! Someone needs to write a part for a miniskirted vixen of a certain age on whatever that new crap show is he's on, unless it's been cancelled already, in which case Aaron Spelling needs to dispatch his minions to write a pilot as vehicle for the Stamos-Locklear double bill. Who's with me?!?!

Note: Since Stephen Colbert feels strongly about proprietary etymology, I must acknowledge my indebtedness to him for the phrase "dead to me."

Related: Denise Richards and John Stamos: Opposites Attract? (2/25/06)

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Denise Richards and John Stamos: Opposites Attract?

I don't know why reading on ohnotheydidn't that Denise Richards and John Stamos have hooked up [original source] was so instinctively pleasing. Something about the idea of them together just clicked. I recently mentioned on Denise's birthday (Feb. 17) that had she been born a few days later with a Pisces Sun instead of Aquarius, it would have made sense for her to be with a Virgo like Charlie Sheen -- but as it is, Aquarius-Virgo is one of the most challenging matches out there. While opposite signs (e.g., Aquarius-Leo or Pisces-Virgo) are really good together, the signs that are one off from opposite -- like Aquarius-Virgo -- are not so much. It's like they're on a different page.

Needless to say, I ran charts for John and Denise to find out whether they're just trying to make their respective exes jealous or might actually have something genuine. And I kinda like these odds! His Leo Sun and Venus (and possibly Moon, depending on his birth time, which I don't have) are closely opposite her Aquarius Sun-Mercury. These oppositions make for immediate sparks between them. After all the divorce stress they've been through (John just got out of a Leo-Scorpio marriage, which is no walk through the park, let me tell you), I would love to see Denise and John get together and be happy.

Denise's chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

John's chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

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Today's Birfdays: February 17

As we approach the Aquarius-Pisces cusp, these celebs are celebrating.

The Skank Whore Who Shall Not Be Named, For Publicity Feeds Her Horrible Power, is doubtless congratulating herself for 25 years of leeching off society and spreading venereal infections. Does it surprise anyone that this egoholic has a Leo Moon? Look away, look away!

Though he may be 32, Jerry O'Connell will never stop being the fat kid from Stand by Me, no matter how many Scorpio supermodels he dates. Never!

Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day seems to have changed not at all in his 34 years. Nor has his band's mediocre music. Yeah, I said it!

If only Aquarius Denise Richards (left) had been born a couple days later, she would have been a Pisces, and therefore a great match for Virgo Charlie Sheen. Instead, she'll be spending her 35th in the process of ending one of the zodiac's most incompatible pairings. Seriously, Aquarius-Virgo? So wrong!

How appropriate that Michael Jordan, who was the face of the Bulls for many years, has a Taurus Ascendant. Check out his complete chart (Astrotheme).

Seems to be a big day for skanks, as Janice Dickinson now has 53 years to erase from her face.

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

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